Emotional intelligence is often framed as a performance tool—something to improve leadership, communication, or influence. And it can do all that. But what draws me in is something quieter. The inner steadiness it builds. The way it teaches us to soften without collapsing. To be aware of our internal state—how our emotions move, where they settle, and what they might be asking of us. Not so we can suppress them, but so we can respond with more presence, more spaciousness, and more integrity.
It’s not about perfection—it’s about presence. And for those of us walking a path of faith, it’s one more layer of ihsan: doing the inner work with beauty and intention, even when no one else sees it.
So what is emotional intelligence, really?
In psychology, emotional intelligence (or EI) refers to the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and respond to emotions—both your own and those of others. Daniel Goleman breaks this down into five key capacities:
- Self-awareness
- Self-regulation
- Motivation
- Empathy
- Social skills
But here’s the thing: the Qur’an and sunnah have been teaching these principles long before they had names.
The Prophet ﷺ modeled deep emotional awareness. He noticed the mood in a room. He validated grief, even in children. He cried openly and consoled with gentleness. He practiced restraint when insulted and smiled in the face of hostility. This wasn’t emotional repression—it was integration.
As Shaykh Mikaeel puts it in With the Heart in Mind:
“You cannot influence hearts if you don’t understand your own.”
Where ego ends, emotional intelligence begins
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned (and continue to relearn) is that you can’t hold space for others if you’re still ruled by your own emotional reactivity. Ego loves urgency. But emotional intelligence lives in pause.
This is where self-knowledge matters. Imam al-Ghazali famously said, “Whoever knows himself knows his Lord.” That kind of knowing creates spaciousness. When we know our triggers, when we’ve worked through our old wounds, when we remember Allah is watching—it becomes easier to respond with intention, not ego.
5 Practical Steps to Develop Emotional Intelligence
(Rooted in faith, research, and lived practice)
1. Practice Self-Awareness Through Daily Muhāsabah (Self-Accountability)
What to do:
Set aside time each evening to reflect on the emotional highs and lows of your day. Ask:
- What triggered me today?
- Where did I act with integrity? Where did I fall short?
- What do my emotions reveal about my attachments or fears?
Islamic Source:
The practice of muhāsabah is deeply rooted in Islamic tradition. Ibn al-Qayyim writes:
“The key to life of the heart is in constant self-reckoning and holding the soul accountable.” — al-Fawā’id
Psychological Correlation:
This mirrors reflective journaling and self-monitoring tools used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which improve emotional awareness and impulse control (Beck, 2011).
2. Use Breath + Dhikr in Emotional Swells
What to do:
In a moment of strong emotion (anger, fear, or overwhelm), pause and inhale deeply for 4 counts. As you exhale slowly, say “Allāhu Akbar” or “Astaghfirullāh” quietly or silently.
Islamic Source:
- The Prophet ﷺ advised changing physical posture when angry and refraining from speaking in a reactive state (Abu Dawūd 4782).
- Dhikr is repeatedly connected with inner calm: “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find tranquility.” — Qur’an 13:28
Scientific Backing:
Controlled breathing has been shown to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and reduce emotional reactivity (Ma et al., Frontiers in Psychology, 2017).
3. Strengthen Empathy by Studying the Prophet’s ﷺ Interpersonal Style
What to do:
Nurture a habit of reflecting on hadiths or stories that illustrates how the Prophet ﷺ responded to emotional situations—with children, enemies, grieving companions, or his wives. Reflect on his tone, timing, body language, and emotional sensitivity.
Islamic Source:
The Prophet ﷺ was sent as a mercy to all worlds (Qur’an 21:107), and hadith literature is full of emotionally intelligent interactions. Shaykh Mikaeel Smith’s With the Heart in Mind is a rich source of examples and analysis.
Psychological Correlation:
Empathy is one of the five core elements of emotional intelligence (Goleman, 1995), and modeling is a proven method of emotional learning (Bandura, 1977).
4. Practice Active Listening as a Form of Mercy
What to do:
Choose one conversation per day—whether with a friend, coworker, or family member—where you intentionally practice active, non-defensive listening. This means:
- Focus on their words without planning your reply
- Reflect back what you hear: “So what I’m hearing is…”
- Resist interrupting, correcting, or offering immediate solutions
- Pay attention to tone and body language—both theirs and yours
Islamic Source:
The Prophet ﷺ listened with full attention—even to those who disagreed with him or had little social status. In Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, it’s narrated:
“A woman came to the Prophet ﷺ and spoke to him at length, and he listened to her with patience…” — Bukhārī 5189
This model of sabr in listening is a prophetic form of empathy. Listening is not just polite—it’s an act of emotional generosity.
Psychological Correlation:
Active listening is one of the top predictors of emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction (Rogers & Farson, 1957). It improves social awareness and reduces emotional reactivity.
Why it helps:
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just manage their emotions—they help regulate others’ by making them feel heard, safe, and seen. This practice also creates space between stimulus and response—core to both Islamic adab and EI.
5. Mind the Gap: Ask for Clarity, Don’t Assume, Respond—Don’t React
What to do:
In emotionally charged moments, our instinct is to fill in the blanks—jump to conclusions, assign meaning, defend, retaliate, withdraw. This step is about reclaiming the space between what happens and how we respond.
As Viktor Frankl wrote:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Man’s Search for Meaning
In that gap, ask yourself:
- “What is really happening here?” (Not just what I’m feeling—but what’s actually unfolding?)
- “What am I assuming?” (About their tone, intent, or meaning?)
- “What am I about to do—and who will that help?”
- “What do I need clarity on before I move forward?”
The goal isn’t to suppress your emotions. The goal is to meet them, name them, and move with wisdom. That’s emotional intelligence.
Recommended Further Reading & Resources
Islamic Tradition
- With the Heart in Mind by Shaykh Mikaeel Ahmed Smith
A foundational work on the emotional intelligence of the Prophet ﷺ—deep, accessible, and grounded in tradition. - Purification of the Heart by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
A classical approach to emotional healing based on the diseases of the heart, with practical reflection points. - Yaqeen Institute –Healing of Emotions in the Qur’an
by Rania Awaad, Sarah Syed, and Aya Khalil
Read the article here
Explores how the Qur’an addresses emotional experiences and provides spiritual grounding for emotional health.
Psychological & Scientific Works
- Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
The foundational book that brought EI to the mainstream, outlining the five key domains and their real-world applications. - Permission to Feel by Dr. Marc Brackett
A practical, research-based guide to understanding emotions, grounded in the science of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. - Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
Particularly useful for understanding the power of pause, perspective, and response. - The CBT Toolbox (2nd Edition) by Lisa Dion
Offers structured tools for self-regulation, emotional labeling, and cognitive reframing—easily adaptable to spiritual practice.
